I’m considering going to see a therapist soon. This is probably not a huge thing in our society anymore, but it’s still kind of a huge thing for me. The only time I’ve actually gone to a psychologist before, I didn’t get much out of it since it was only a few sessions over winter break in college. But I’ve got to be honest with myself–my mind was messed up in college. I’ve already blocked out a good portion of what I experienced going through the beginning stages of my deconversion, which I didn’t know was my deconversion at the time.
♪ I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger. ♬
Currently, I’m at a weird, albeit good, juncture. I’m slowly figuring out what life actually means to me. I’m sorting through my ethics, morals, passions, convictions, truths, unknowns, but I have this sort of haunting of my past occasionally invading my thoughts. Oftentimes I push it down and tell myself I’m not there anymore, which is true. I’m no longer in obsessive friendships, and all of my relationships are very healthy. I no longer beat myself up for not being able to figure out God, life, or other unknowns. However, I still fear these things happening again, which means I’m not sure that I would know how to combat these symptoms showing up in my life again if they did. I like to think that finally being honest with what I believe will be the lasting fix for all of those problems, but there is nothing to fully merit that confidence. I’d like to go back and explore the pain I inflicted on myself and on others in college sooner rather than later, before it’s too late and causes residual damage on my future. This is why people go to therapists, right? I live a very happy, healthy lifestyle right now. Is it a good decision to take this time in my life to sort through the mess I was a year ago?